or your father’s, or spouse’s, or anyone’s words. I felt an overwhelming need to express this to whoever is supposed to hear it after my most recent meltdown/panic attack/wife+mom guilt moment of many in the past year.
In the middle of the day, I texted my husband the below:
“I need to do more. I’m not doing enough and I’m just not perfect. I’m not being a good mother or wife. My house is a complete disaster, my child is not eating the best nutritious meals, I need to study for my LSAT stat, and I am so fat.”
On the way home from work I thought of all the things that are wrong with my life. My heaps of laundry, my non-organic baby clothes, my continuous weight gain due to poor diet on my part, etc. etc. I needed to be perfect and I was not. It was killing me inside. One of the great things about living in a high density city is that you are forced to sit in traffic during extreme construction season. You’re forced to confront your worst fear: being alone. Some of us are great with that and you will catch them rapping along with their radio, hype as hell. For the rest of us suckers, our mind races with our to-do list and various mind consuming items.
In the new world of Pinterest boards, likes, loves and thumbs ups, I believe we have created a rabbit hole of increasing insecurities and unrealistic strives to depict a life that is impossible to achieve. Living in this new world has dug up some very buried deep interactions that I have learned to push aside. My mother is a strong one, a smart one, and most definitely, a very independent one. Being her only child, she pushed me to also be the same. Unfortunately, her story is not one that is unique. Girl falls in love with boy. Girl and boy have a baby. Girl finds out boy has been unfaithful…repeatedly. It goes without saying that she was doing her best (as a young mother) to help me avoid the same downfall.
She was tough on me. Everything was the consequence of my doing, good or bad. The inside of my nose was hurting one day and it so happened to be right after I had done something along the lines of being not obedient. I told her and her response was that I was being punished for being bad. Since then, I have held myself and only myself accountable for my own life. Even most recently, I haven’t been able to keep up with housework due to having a baby, that wasn’t a good enough reason. I needed to do more.
I know I’m not the only one that wakes up and lives with chest pains or headaches from feeling the anxiety of not living up to your own expectations. I know I’m not the only one that cries sporadically and just sucks back up the tears to go back to my desk because crying is weak.
To the ones who also go through this…YOU ARE NOBODY’S WORDS.
The times a boyfriend told you that you were fat, fuck him. You are what YOU think you are and if you feel fine, then you ARE fine. The times your mom said you needed to press your clothes again because it isn’t perfect enough, you are the judge now. For all the times you now carry on your back…remember these things…
You are the only person responsible for who you are
The past sucks but the past is not you now. Whatever you went through, whatever was said to you, let that be just that. Don’t give it any power. Don’t dwell on it. From today, be who you want to be. Life is hard, money is tight, and the word is increasingly more dangerous. There is already too much going on for you to give them the power and satisfaction of the fact that you care. Be responsible for your mistakes and your achievements. You don’t need to justify your choices to anyone but your own soul.
I have experienced that those who have been controlled to some extent or been exposed to individuals with the tendency to be unnecessarily critical towards them are highly impressionable. Music and television are designed to do exactly that. I have many times watched shows like This is Us or listened to sad love songs but I find myself focusing more on everything that is worse than what I just heard/saw. I start my morning with Dancing in the Moonlight by King Harvest. When shit happens and you think it’s the end of the world…you know it’s not. Choose to be happy. This might be hard to believe but you have that choice. Of course try your best at being a good human, but not everything will go your way, so when it doesn’t…think of a game plan…put on a song that makes you happy and move along.
One Step At A Time
There is one thing that is commendable beyond belief. In this new world of unrealistic and sometime unattainable expectations, you are still standing. This is a common story spread over a lifetime of individuals fighting to live and fighting to find hope that one day they will be happy with just being. Like an addict, you have been subject to mental and maybe physical control your entire life and now am dealing with its repercussions. You will have bad days and good days but keep striving for the good ones. You are NOT their words. You are NOT their expectations. You are NOT…
The saying goes as follows…”takes 10,000 hours to master something”. Happiness within your mind and soul is no exception. Working on yourself takes lot of work but if you’re willing…it’ll happen!
*Pics are not my own – credit to pixabay and sketchport for allowing the reuse of their creations